The Blood Mobile

Well, this probably wasn’t the best day to do it, but since the blood mobile was here today I donated. Normally there’s nothing much to say about that, but today when she removed the needle I almost passed out. It was the strangest thing! She put the cotton on the site and told me to press on it. As I put my right hand on the cotton, I got tunnel vision and it felt like the floor fell away from me. The tech took one look at me and ran for the cold pack. That’s never happened to me before and I was so embarrassed. I know there’s no reason to be embarrassed, but I was… I had to sit still with one coldpack on my chest and one under my neck for almost 15 minutes. I was a very big girl though and didn’t cry until I got home, which was about 15 steps from the bus.You’ll be happy to know that I’m feeling fine now and although I’m sure I’ll milk this for as long as I can, I’m leaving at 8AM and I’m supposed to drive the first leg so I don’t think I’ll be able to get away with the whining for long.Oh and are we there yet?

And Just for Fun

I’m number one on Google for the following“you know you’re from new york if”“You know you’re from Florida”andIf it weren’t for my horse I wouldn’t have spent that year in collegeMy life is now complete.

Shame

You know, I’ve had some stuff going on in my head and without getting too detailed or dramatic, there’s been something… I don’t know… off about me for the last week or so. It’s manifesting itself in all aspects of my life and I’ve had this vague sense of unease. Tonight I was in the middle of a conversation with myself - oh come on, you talk to yourself admit it- and it occurred to me that I was saying some not nice things. I was rehashing some seriously old issues. Issues that I should have let go of a looooong time ago. I stopped what I was doing and really thought about what was going on there. I realized that there was a common thread. That thread is shame. I was ashamed of all the things I’m going on and on about in my head and I stopped to think about why.Now, I can not believe the moment of clarity that I had but what I was doing was avoiding the shame I feel about something recent. In avoiding that, not dealing with it and pushing it out of the way, somehow or another my brain was going to focus on the shame whether I wanted to or not. So in its infinite ability to screw with me, all the shame of the situations from years and years and years ago was going to occupy that space.It’s not that I’m no longer ashamed of the recent thing, but I’m relieved to figure out what the hell was wrong.If I could only get myself to look at what’s right in front of me instead of beating around the bush for a week…

Now it doesn’t work again

dammit.

one more time

6:47 pm

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